Excessive Excursionist

My life- in 2D.

Category Archives: Random Rants

Doug Heffernan Stole My Mojo

“Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it?”- Doug Heffernan


As I’ve done a few times prior, I didn’t watch a great T.V. show while it was in first-run. Instead I discovered it later, in syndication. We’re talking “King Of Queens” in this case. It quickly became one of my all-time favorite shows on the tube, duking it out with “Seinfeld” for a half- hour of my undivided attention.

Something else I’ve discovered- the character of Doug Heffernan stole my mojo.

Now, I’m not saying that the Kevin James-played character and I have parallel lives completely– but….

1) Doug is married to Carrie (played by Leah Remini)- a stereotypical New Yorker, and a fierce hot blooded Italian girl who is frequently deemed as scary by other characters on the show.

I am married, to my Rutgers-grad wife, who is part- Jewish, part- Irish (Jirish, as I coined it), and is as even-keeled and soft-spoken as they come.

2) Doug is total blue collar, and works as a courier for IPS (a fictional company, based on UPS)

I am a computer geek and sit behind a desk, although I am quite blue-collar too. I prefer beer to wine any day.

3) Doug is an avid New York Jets fan.

I am a die hard Miami Dolphins fan. I hate The Jets.

4) Doug has his father-in-law, Arthur, living in the basement of Doug & Carrie’s house.

No in-law here,  see “#1“.

But pretty much beyond that, Doug Heffernan is the alter-ego of me. It’s as if whoever developed this character, followed me around my entire adult life in “stealth-mode”, taking notes.

To wit: in no particular order, some Doug quotes:

Doug: “3 days at a wellness spa can’t put a dent in me. I use bacon as a condiment”


Carrie: “Hey I’m going to the gym, you sure you don’t wanna come?”
Doug: “Nah, but you’re adorable to keep asking.”


Doug (talking to his cousin, Danny and friend, Deacon): “What are you doing?”
Danny: “What?”
Deacon: “You’re taking all the cheese.”
Danny: “It came up with the chip.”
Doug: “Yeah, ’cause you grabbed the nucleus.”
Danny: “What?”
Doug: “Every pile of nachos has one main chip that holds the whole thing together… the nucleus. You don’t take the nucleus, you work around it. You honor it.”


Doug: “If bologna smelled any better I’d wear it.”


Doug: “For the love of god I need a sandwich.”


Doug: “Do you understand the concept behind a grilled-cheese sandwich? If the cheese cools this was all for nothing.”
Carrie: “What you eating?”
Doug: “A Clark Bar.”
Carrie: “I thought you were a Snickers guy.”
Doug: “I delivered to Ed Clark today, and one thing led to another.”
Carrie: “Any chance you might deliver to a Steve Celery sometime?”
Doug: “Any chance you could deliver to Shutty Town?

Carrie: “Hey whatcha doin babe?”
Doug: “Nothin, just putting two packets of icing on one Toaster Strudel…Happy Now, Sad Later”


Doug:”I know what will cheer you up! I think someone would like a little man-breast puppet theatre!”


Doug:”If eating hotdogs is wrong, I dont want to be right!”


Doug: “I would eat my own foot if it was wrapped in bacon and cooked in butter.”


Doug: “If you’re not scary, how come theres no horror movie called Doug?…………..CARRIE!”


Doug: “Try and keep it together here, and know that I’m not mad at you – I’m mad at the situation. We’re out of Cocoa Puffs.”


Carrie: “Explain to me what I am looking at.”
Doug: “Before you judge me, let me walk you through. I settled in, I started eating, and then I realized I didn’t have a place to put the bones. I didn’t want to put them on the sheets because you made it very clear that you don’t like that. Long story short, I invented the shirt plate.”


And finally…..

I rest my case- and I want my Mojo back.



More Pussification Of America

Facebook Envy? Are you serious? From the following link: “Add “Facebook depression” to potential harms linked with social media, an influential doctors’ group warns, referring to a condition it says may affect troubled teens who obsess over the online site.”

If I had a kid who based his/her self-worth on how many “friends” they had on Facebook, I’d slap them silly.

Sorry parents, but this bullshit lies squarely on you. If your child is depressed because of his social-status on Facebook, and is causing them mental issues, it’s no one’s fault but yours. So goes the further Pussification of America. Just stop it, already.

I’m done on this subject. Now, excuse me- I have to go poke someone.

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