Doug Heffernan Stole My Mojo

“Why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it?”- Doug Heffernan

 

As I’ve done a few times prior, I didn’t watch a great T.V. show while it was in first-run. Instead I discovered it later, in syndication. We’re talking “King Of Queens” in this case. It quickly became one of my all-time favorite shows on the tube, duking it out with “Seinfeld” for a half- hour of my undivided attention.

Something else I’ve discovered- the character of Doug Heffernan stole my mojo.

Now, I’m not saying that the Kevin James-played character and I have parallel lives completely– but….

1) Doug is married to Carrie (played by Leah Remini)- a stereotypical New Yorker, and a fierce hot blooded Italian girl who is frequently deemed as scary by other characters on the show.

I am married, to my Rutgers-grad wife, who is part- Jewish, part- Irish (Jirish, as I coined it), and is as even-keeled and soft-spoken as they come.

2) Doug is total blue collar, and works as a courier for IPS (a fictional company, based on UPS)

I am a computer geek and sit behind a desk, although I am quite blue-collar too. I prefer beer to wine any day.

3) Doug is an avid New York Jets fan.

I am a die hard Miami Dolphins fan. I hate The Jets.

4) Doug has his father-in-law, Arthur, living in the basement of Doug & Carrie’s house.

No in-law here,  see “#1“.

But pretty much beyond that, Doug Heffernan is the alter-ego of me. It’s as if whoever developed this character, followed me around my entire adult life in “stealth-mode”, taking notes.

To wit: in no particular order, some Doug quotes:

Doug: “3 days at a wellness spa can’t put a dent in me. I use bacon as a condiment”

 

Carrie: “Hey I’m going to the gym, you sure you don’t wanna come?”
Doug: “Nah, but you’re adorable to keep asking.”

 

Doug (talking to his cousin, Danny and friend, Deacon): “What are you doing?”
Danny: “What?”
Deacon: “You’re taking all the cheese.”
Danny: “It came up with the chip.”
Doug: “Yeah, ’cause you grabbed the nucleus.”
Danny: “What?”
Doug: “Every pile of nachos has one main chip that holds the whole thing together… the nucleus. You don’t take the nucleus, you work around it. You honor it.”

 

Doug: “If bologna smelled any better I’d wear it.”

 

Doug: “For the love of god I need a sandwich.”

 

Doug: “Do you understand the concept behind a grilled-cheese sandwich? If the cheese cools this was all for nothing.”

Carrie: “What you eating?”

Doug: “A Clark Bar.”

Carrie: “I thought you were a Snickers guy.”

Doug: “I delivered to Ed Clark today, and one thing led to another.”

Carrie: “Any chance you might deliver to a Steve Celery sometime?”

Doug: “Any chance you could deliver to Shutty Town?

Carrie: “Hey whatcha doin babe?”
Doug: “Nothin, just putting two packets of icing on one Toaster Strudel…Happy Now, Sad Later”

 

Doug:”I know what will cheer you up! I think someone would like a little man-breast puppet theatre!”

 

Doug:”If eating hotdogs is wrong, I dont want to be right!”

 

Doug: “I would eat my own foot if it was wrapped in bacon and cooked in butter.”

 

Doug: “If you’re not scary, how come theres no horror movie called Doug?…………..CARRIE!”

 

Doug: “Try and keep it together here, and know that I’m not mad at you – I’m mad at the situation. We’re out of Cocoa Puffs.”

 

Carrie: “Explain to me what I am looking at.”
Doug: “Before you judge me, let me walk you through. I settled in, I started eating, and then I realized I didn’t have a place to put the bones. I didn’t want to put them on the sheets because you made it very clear that you don’t like that. Long story short, I invented the shirt plate.”

 

And finally…..

I rest my case- and I want my Mojo back.